4 Steps to Reconnect with Your Partner
If you’ve been in a relationship, you may be familiar with the following scenario: the person you once connected with so deeply, now feels like a roommate you share meals with. The disconnect can come from something as basic, like you both simply got caught up in the daily grind of lifeandkidsandworkandbillsandallthethings (isn’t that how the daily grind feels?!), or it can come from some kind of emotional wound that was never properly addressed.
Whatever the circumstance, there are ways to reconnect with your partner. While therapy is needed for most couples, it can always help to get a jump on trying to mend the relationship. Sometimes in doing so, you can more easily define the cracks and have specific things to talk about in therapy.
1. Talk It Out
We know this is harder than it sounds. When you haven’t had a deep and meaningful conversation with your partner in a while, it can feel uncomfortable. You may even wonder where to start, or when to do it.
Don’t start conversations when you and your partner are tired (like late at night) or hungry. Both of these can trigger unnecessary frustration. As parents, this can be hard, because sometimes the only alone time you have in at night after the kids go down. Try and pick a time when you can both not only speak, but hear and respond.
You can start the conversation by remembering a good time you shared together. Bring up a fond memory and set a positive tone. Then launch into the ways you wish you could still enjoy each other: “I miss the way we used to be spontaneous on our vacations;” “I wish we still laughed like that together;” “We used to have such a great time together. What happened?” Don’t be accusing or dismissive, but show your partner that you truly miss the intimacy you shared by expressing yourself and then actively listening.
2. Show Your Partner You Care
We don’t mean going out and buying them a gift to show them you care (although this method isn’t always bad when it involves chocolate!) . Show your partner you care about their feelings and want to understand how they experience the relationship, by being emotionally responsive to them.
Doing things like asking about their day, truly listening to the answer and then asking some follow up questions can go a long way towards your partner feeling heard and seen.
3. Find a Shared Activity You Both Enjoy
The more you start talking to your partner, the more you’ll potentially rediscover each other. Having those meaningful conversations, actively listening and responding thoughtfully can help your partner feel safe to be vulnerable with you. Then, you can begin to explore ways to reconnect in different ways.
Have a conversation about things you can do together! Half the fun can be planning it together. Is there a concert coming up you can get tickets to? A brewery you could stop by and have a flight together? Even just taking a walk through a local greenway or green space near you could be a way to get outside of your normal routine and enjoy time together.
It doesn’t have to be an elaborate date night–don’t put too much pressure on the activity! Keep it simple. Sometimes, a simple activity can be a way to start to reconnect with your partner without the pressure of a formal social gathering.
4. Date!
Once you’ve done some easy, simple activities together and you feel emotionally safe letting your guard down, plan a formal night out together. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but pick a place you’ve never been to before. Maybe it’s dinner at a new restaurant, drinks at a bar further away than you normally go, or an event like a play or live music. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you’re talking to your partner about it. What would they like to do? What would bring you both joy?
One of the points of dating is to get to know each other again and have fun, but you can only have fun with your partner if you trust them, feel safe to be vulnerable and feel like you’re ready to let them in. And they need to feel the same way! Dating can be a great way to see if your relationship is ready for this. If it’s not, you’ll know because you may feel awkward or uncomfortable–and that’s OK! Maybe it means you need to spend more time talking and emotionally connecting. Maybe it means you both need to come to therapy. Maybe it’s both!
If you think you and your partner might need couples therapy, don’t feel like it means you’ve failed. Every relationship needs a tune up and check-in! We’d be honored to help you both reconnect and find each other again.
